Civil Liberties Declared Nonessential

Babylon Bee🐝

U.S.—As of this weekend, based on recommendations from the Center for Disease Control and the World Health Organization, all civil libertiess have been declared nonessential. The Department of Homeland Security released a statement declaring that any human rights outlined in such documents as the Bill of Rights, the Constitution, or the Bible are nonessential and will, therefore, be disregarded amid the outbreak of COVID-19.

After the outbreak is contained, health leaders say the rights may be reinstated in small increments but have made no guarantees.

"I think we're going to come out of this whole thing having woken up to the realization that liberty has been insanely overrated and it's time to move on," said California governor Gavin Newsom, who was quick to impose the guidelines on his state. "Human rights aren't even real. Science can't prove them. They're imaginary. We need to be a culture of empiricism and evidence and toss out these old-fashioned ideas about human liberty and rights which, frankly, came straight out of the days of slavery." 

The DHS issued guidance outlining exactly which human rights are nonessential. The paper simply read, "Pretty much all of them." They also set up an FAQ on their website that answers, "Nope" whenever someone asks if any individual right might be exempt. 

Americans quickly and willfully accepted the changes without protest.