My Interview With California Governor Gavin Newsom

American Thinker (parody)

California Governor Gavin Newsom will talk to anyone to get his name in the news, including the free national weekly Patriot Neighbors. Editor Robin Itzler recently sat down with the soon-to-be-termed-out governor to discuss an array of issues, including his upcoming presidential campaign.

Robin: Thank you for meeting with me in between your rallies supporting illegal alien gang members. Even ICE agents showed up at your August 14 event in Los Angeles.

Gavin Newsom: Yes, we had a massive 100 people inside, and illegal aliens outside.

Robin: It’s been reported that many leftist rally goers are paid to attend.

Gavin Newsom: Hmm, I will ask George Soros today when he and I have lunch.

Robin: Is the rally what brought you to Southern California?

Gavin Newsom: That and looking for the $100 million raised in the FireAid concert for the January fire victims.

Robin: Did you find the $100 million? It’s reported that little to no money went to victims of the fire.

Gavin Newsom: The money might be in the same place as the billions of dollars for the high-speed rail. I am looking for that money, too.

Robin: Speaking of the January fires, more than structures were destroyed. By the six-month anniversary in early July, of the 800 rebuild permits requested from homeowners in the Palisades, Altadena, and surrounding areas, only 145 had been approved. Plus, you are talking about replacing single-family homes with low-income apartment buildings and dramatically changing the personalities of these communities that burned to the ground due to Democrat incompetence.

Gavin Newsom: Yes! Aren’t I doing a great job? By the way, if you want to take my photo, let me put more gel on my hair.

Robin: Governor, doesn’t it concern you that Californians are leaving the state due to your incompetence?

Gavin Newsom: Not really. Californians who are leaving are most likely pesky Republicans who believe in such ridiculous things as God and Judeo-Christian values, that parents should raise their own children, a child’s birth gender shouldn’t be changed, abortion is murder, illegal immigrants should be given citizenship, men can play in female sports, and homeless tents enhance parks. ¡Adiós, Republicanos!

Robin: But you can’t have a successful state economy without a strong middle class, and those are the folks leaving California! If you look at any communist country, they have the rich and poor but lack a middle class.

Gavin Newsom: Oh, please! Look how well Venezuela is doing!

Robin: Let’s focus on California. As you travel the country, what statistics can you cite to make people want to elect you president?

Gavin Newsom: Oh, there are a lot of great accomplishments I can tout. For instance, while the country’s unemployment rate is 4.2 percent, California leads the nation with 5.5 percent.

Also, I am pleased that California has the highest homeless population in the United States. In 2024, we had one-quarter of the nation’s homeless population.

And I am most proud that California has the highest income tax rate among our 50 states.

Robin: But...

Gavin Newsom: Please don’t interrupt me as I highlight how California leads the nation.

California also leads the nation with the most illegal aliens. And I am proud to add that within that number, there are many criminals and gang members that we are stopping ICE from apprehending.

Robin: Can you really gerrymander the state more than it’s been? Currently, Republicans only have nine of 52 congressional districts, although we are 40 percent of the vote. That’s a paltry 17 percent of California House Republicans!

Gavin Newsom: I want to make California’s representation in the House fairer. That’s why I would reduce the number of Republican representatives from nine to five. Who knows? It might get more Republicans to move out of the state!

Robin: Does it bother you that President Trump and many others say there’s empty space underneath your hair?

Gavin Newsom: What about my hair? Does it look okay? Should I brush it?

Robin: Your hair looks its usual gelly gook. Governor Newsom, do you really think you can win a national presidential election?

Gavin Newsom: Of course, I can! First off, Republicans foolishly put out maps of the United States showing that the nation is mostly red. That might be true if you are just counting congressional districts, but many of those are small districts. It’s a meaningless map because Democrats own the big cities.

Second, most blue states have election integrity in the same way that Joe Biden had mental acuity. California is the blueprint for holding elections and then counting questionable ballots until you get the results you want.

Robin: Sir, why are you admitting this?

Gavin Newsom: Why not? Nothing has drastically changed since the 2020 election. Republican politicians or organizations foolishly announce that they’ve removed “x” number of dead voters from the rolls, and you Republicans clap like seals. By the next election, we will find more dead people to vote. Or we will mail 20 ballots to a Democrat’s home with just two registered voters. Or we will give away free hamburgers on college campuses the day before Election Day and gather provisional ballots that we count weeks after the election. Or we let people vote as many times as they want. Best of all, we do not ask for proof of residency.

However, I do have one major worry.

Robin: What is it?

Gavin Newsom: That the Republican Congress will pass, and President Trump will sign, an election integrity law making things the way they used to be: One day voting in local precincts with exceptions for the military, paper ballots, and proof of citizenship. The last thing I want is for California to hold honest elections!

I can go on and on, but I must get to a meeting. A Chinese company wants me for their jeans commercial.

Robin: Well, thank you for your time. Just know that I will do everything in my power to keep you from destroying America the way you have destroyed California.

Gavin Newsom: You’re welcome. Are you going to take my photo? Does my hair look good? Where’s my comb? Do you have a mirror? Can someone get me a mirror?