Government Retirement Files Ruined After Miners Dig Too Deep And Unearth Balrog

 Government Retirement Files Ruined After Miners Dig Too Deep And Unearth Balrog

U.S.·Feb 12, 2025 · BabylonBee.com

BOYERS, PA — The Iron Mountain Federal Records Center has reportedly lost access to all federal retirement files after miners dug too deep and awakened an ancient Balrog.

"The miners dug too greedily and too deep and awakened a great shadow in the Nameless Dark," reported DOGE employee Big Balls.

According to sources, hundreds of civil servants were lost as a great flash like flame brought doom to Iron Mountain. What it was could not be seen. It was like a great shadow wreathed in flame, in the middle of which was a dark form, of bureaucrat-shape, yet greater; and a terror seemed to be in it and go before it.

Emergency services arrived at the scene shortly after the first screams rang out, but there was nothing that could be done. The records facility was sealed off and abandoned, the files now beyond the reach of mortal man.

"The kinds of things we're doing, I think, are very simple and basic," Elon Musk said of the DOGE team and their decision to close the Iron Mountain Federal Records Center. "I just don't think federal employees should have to risk their lives to file paperwork near a balrog."

At publishing time, a federal employee up for retirement entered the long dark of Iron Mountain on a quest to fill out the appropriate paperwork.

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