FBI Agent On Remote Pacific Island Still Investigating January 6 Protesters

Babylon Bee🐝

LUBANG ISLAND, PHILIPPINES — A federal agent on the remote South Pacific island of Lubang in the Philippines was discovered still investigating January 6 protesters, oblivious to news that Trump was now president and had subsequently pardoned all involved.

Researchers studying flora in the area came upon the devoted agent hiding in a bunker and studying Capitol security footage frame by frame. With 44,000 hours of footage to investigate, the agent had no time for anything else, least of all any exposure to the outside world.

"I've got you now, Lectern Guy," the as-yet unidentified agent was heard saying as he reviewed the terrifying moment when a lectern was moved twenty feet.

"Such a remarkable find," said Dr. Anton Zeke, the world-famous Harvard botanist who made the discovery. "He's like a member of some lost savage tribe. He actually believes Biden is still president and that he's fighting a righteous war."

"So uncivilized."

Though researchers initially tried to convince him that the deadly attack on democracy was an exaggeration propagated by Democrats to push their own agenda and keep Trump out of office, the words failed to persuade the lone federal agent.

"No, I don't believe it," the agent said, seemingly enraged by the news he deemed MAGA propaganda. "The director told me to stand and fight until they were all brought to justice!" When he learned that former director Christopher Wray had been replaced by an Indian named Kash Patel he went into a state of shock and researchers opted to withdraw.

At publishing time, the United Nations Educational, Scientific and Cultural Organization (UNESCO) ordered the agent live in continued isolation so he could maintain his cultural identity and live undisturbed in his bunker for the remainder of his days without fear of interference from the outside world.