Anthony Fauci Announces Plans To Flee Trump's America, Spend Rest Of His Life Making Little Fudge Cookies In A Tree
WASHINGTON, D.C. — With the transition to a new administration imminent, former Chief Medical Advisor Dr. Anthony Fauci announced plans to flee Donald Trump's America and spend the rest of his life making little fudge cookies in a tree.
The controversial physician and policy advisor from the COVID-19 pandemic revealed he was uncomfortable with the prospect of staying in the United States under the incoming Trump administration, leading him to opt for leaving the country to live out the rest of his days producing delicious fudgy snacks from a small workshop in the hole of a tree trunk.
"I'm retreating to the safety of my tree hole," Dr. Fauci said in a statement released to the media. "There, I will continue to make a difference in the world. Not as a scientist guiding mankind through the dangers of infectious diseases, but by whipping up delectable cookies for everyone to enjoy."
People within the scientific community were not surprised by Fauci's decision. "It makes perfect sense," said Dr. Frederich Foreman, a former colleague of Fauci's. "While most people only know Tony as the father of COVID-19 and the face of Science itself, behind the scenes, he loves to wear a cute little red pointy hat and make cookies. Those little shortbread ones with the stripes of fudge on them… they're amazing."
Fauci confirmed reports that he was preparing a full lineup of cookies, crackers, and other snacks that would soon be "infecting" grocery store shelves around the world.
At publishing time, experts warned the public to be sure to test all of Fauci's cookies for deadly pathogens before eating them.
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