10 Better Ways To Spend Your Money Instead Of Subscribing To CNN+

Babylon Bee🐝

CNN+ apparently launched a couple of weeks ago (we had to look it up to make sure). The service is $5.99 a month, but why throw your money away when there are so many more worthwhile things to spend your hard-earned dollars on? 

Consider these ten much better ways to spend your money than subscribing to CNN+:

1) Buy a single gallon of gas: You're not going to have the extra money left over for CNN+ anyway.

2) Pay a random person on the street to tell you what happened in the news: The news will be more reliable, and you'll feel like you stepped back in time to speak with a town crier. Educational!

3) Buy 5 things off the dollar menu at Taco Bell: At least it'll clear out your intestinal tract. You'll be supermodel thin!

4) Rent an AirBNB and slam your fingers in the door for the entire duration of your stay: Pricier than a CNN+ subscription but also a better investment. If you're on a budget, try buying a pair of brass knuckles and punching yourself in the spleen.

5) Feed your money through a paper shredder: Or buy an NFT, I guess.

6) Buy a Starbucks latte to pour it in your eyes: Don't bother with extra shots of espresso. It won't add anything to the experience.

7) Contribute to a GoFundMe for soon-to-be unemployed Chris Wallace: We're rooting for you, champ! Keep your chin up.

8) Place a bet that Colin Kaepernick will be an NFL Quarterback again: 99-1 odds, but if you win you'll be riiiiiiiiiiiiich!

9) Buy half a gallon of gas: The price went up since we started this list.

10) Become a majority shareholder in CNN: Shut it down for good!