Op-Ed: I Praise Biden's Measured, Unprovocative Approach To Governing The Colonies

Babylon Bee🐝

Given the stiff-necked and obstinate nature of those residing in the unforgiving frontier of the Americas, the actions of the crowne always carry with them a certain potential for contentious reactions. One might even say “rebellion." 

It is for that reason, therefore, that I cannot praise highly enough the actions of The Honourable President Biden for his even-handed approach to rule, soothing even the lowliest guttersnipe amongst his subjects with whispered (though certainly not in a creepy way) words of compassion; never letting the yoke of servitude lay too heavily upon them as they all pull together for the greater glory of that Noble Kingdom and the Pfizer Corporation.

Forsooth! Though there be some grumbling, those with the Anointing of Leadership must expect and be prepared for such miscreants. Let the troublemakers know that they may feel the tug of the hangman’s noose! And by “hangman’s noose” I mean OSHA regulations, of course. Why would I mean anything else? Don’t be silly.

Heavy hangs the head that wears the crowne, especially if that head has already suffered the ravages of many, many hair plug operations. As someone who well understands the ways of those chicken-nugget-eating waistband stretchers in the colonies, I hold in the highest esteem Mr. Biden for keeping the masses in a firm grip from whence their hair can be properly sniffed, while never aggrieving so much it makes them want to don a buffalo hat and storm the capitol. Here’s to thee, Lord Biden!