Chinese-made Trojan horse pretty uncomfortable with several files on Marine’s hard drive

by As For Class for DuffelBlog

YOUR LAPTOP — A discrete bit of Trojan horse code named Brad has infected your computer after it was attached to a friendly email purportedly sent by Roxy, the stripper you met last week. Sources confirmed the operation was supposed to hijack your Marine Corps life, but it ended with Brad barely capable of functioning.

“It was a routine gig,” said the computer virus, a graduate of the University of OPM who originally grew up in Beijing. “Get in, get out. Just in and out, man … Oh, God, the things in there,” he added, before pausing for a moment to collect himself.

Speaking to reporters from the insecure WiFi of a small coffee shop, Brad noted that large spaces made him feel vulnerable.

“Dating life was pathetic, foreign relations were all bots from North Korea using random pics of girls offline — normal for a young Marine. But the search history,” Brad said, pausing for 57 femtoseconds, a lifetime for a Trojan horse. “I can’t unsee that stuff.”

Brad says he barely avoided becoming trapped among the huge numbers of fellow trojan horses amassed and caught in the maze of folders, subfolders, and backdoors that made up the Marine’s hard drive.

“I pinged for backup, but all I got back was reverb from inside that hell. Moans, screams. The sound of lubricants,” he said, before asking, “you know that sound?”

“You don’t know it like I do,” Brad said, causing a screen glitch.

Initially, Brad believed he could blackmail the Marine from the folder marked NROP. That was until Brad realized your utter lack of shame. 

“The neighs of horses. I’ll always remember those. So. Many. Horse neighs,” Brad added, recalling the culture shock of viewing the computer files of a Marine with three months left on his enlistment.

According to senior defense officials, the Marine was openly sharing images, videos, and debauchery of the lowest order with his friends, chain of command, and even his dad. An email from his mom said she thought it was “cute.”

“I thought maybe — if I’d push through the insanity, maybe I’d find something illegal, or something I could use,” Brad said. “Nothing. Just a wasteland of legal sin.”

“This Marine had Two Girls, One Cup on repeat,” he continued. “I was forced to watch it thousands of times,” Brad said, staring past the stream of classified communications data. “He couldn’t get enough. Things got pretty dark in there. I tried to end my own programming, but even that didn’t work.”

Brad eventually escaped by posing as Roxy, again. “I did what I had to do,” he said, declining to give further details.