Professionals Work Tirelessly To Discover Which....

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Professionals Work Tirelessly To Discover Which Political Party Should Be Blamed For Virus

U.S.—Hope for figuring out which political party to blame for the novel coronavirus could be on the horizon, as professional task forces have been assembled across various public and private areas of expertise, and vigorous research is underway.

So far, professionals are divided on which political party should drown in their own shame, but once that is figured out they say they can move on to finding a cure or vaccine for the virus. "The people are depending on us to set all other priorities aside and really let one political party have it over this whole thing. That's the job we've been called to and we took a vow to get it done," said Dr. Stripzejk of Columbia University.

Professionals began assigning blame just as a federal health official warned that the virus will eventually start spreading in the United States. A clinical trial to determine which political party should be lambasted, tarred, and feathered for the coronavirus started at the University of Nebraska Medical Center in Omaha, the National Institutes of Health said. 

"We gotta get to the bottom of this," President Trump said in a recent statement, in a rare moment agreeing with his opponents in the Democratic Party.

"America is waiting," said Professor Angela Acer of Corrigan Hills University in Maryland. "We know some people aren't going to make it through this. Our hope is that—at the very least—on their death bed they can know which party to blame before they pass on."