Speed Things Along

Babylon Bee

Pro-Choicer Finds Baby Floating Down River, 

Shoves Him Toward Waterfall To Speed Things Along

November 21st, 2019

EGYPT—Sources have confirmed that a woman found a baby floating down the Nile River in a basket earlier this week. Some speculate the baby was unwanted, while others think the mother must have been trying to hide the baby from authorities, who may have been persecuting her ethnic group.

Unfortunately for the little one, the woman was a staunch pro-choice advocate, so she shoved the baby down the river toward a nearby waterfall to "speed things along," saying that the rapids, crocodiles, and sharp rocks would take care of him if the waterfall didn't.

"This baby is obviously unwanted, so it is not a real human," she said, defending her actions. "If a mother has not declared her baby to be human, it biologically ceases to be human. It's just science. And you don't want to be a science denier, do you?" The woman also pointed out that if she were to raise the baby, he might come upon hard times or live in poverty for a period of time. So really, according to her, it was much more humane to let the river take care of the problem.

"My basket that I found floating among the reeds, my choice," she added.