Dangerous Ideas

Babylon Bee

Democrats Propose Mandatory Free Speech Buyback For Dangerous Ideas

September 6th, 2019

A number of Democratic candidates have seized on a new initiative to make Americans feel safer: a mandatory buyback. “There are a number of ideas out there that just make people upset when they’re said out loud,” said presidential candidate Beto O’Rourke. “It’s time to take those ideas off the street. That’s why it’s past time for a mandatory free speech buyback.”

 The idea that the government can take away people’s rights if it just compensates people for them has a long history as a thing that Democrats have proposed but not thought too deeply about. The current proposal is to force any Americans who have scary ideas, like that there are only two genders or that climate change isn’t a serious crisis, to sell those ideas to the government at a fair market price so they are then no longer able to express those views. The government will also force the sale of dangerous media, such as making Netflix sell them the new Dave Chapelle comedy special so it can be destroyed.

 “These are ideas that serve no purpose, and we need to get them out of public use,” stated Elizabeth Warren. “Some people may be upset, but they shouldn’t be, because we’re paying them for their stupid ideas. Also, we’re buying back being able to call me Pocahontas. No one needs that.”

 Many have come out in opposition to this idea, such as President Trump, who says people can take his dangerous speech from his “cold, dead mouth.” It’s also unclear how much the government will pay to buy back free speech, but Democrats have noted that the going rate is a penny for one’s thoughts.