WASHINGTON, D.C. — Science has declined to answer any questions to avoid incriminating itself for crimes it may have committed.
Upon being brought in for a Congressional hearing over its handling of the COVID-19 pandemic, Science stated that it was advised by its attorneys to not answer questions so as to not to provide damaging witness against itself.
"Science has elected to exercise its fifth amendment right to not provide testimony that may be used against it in criminal proceedings," said Science's attorney Jay Varner. "This decision should in no way be taken as an admission of guilt by Science. We continue to maintain that Science is wholly innocent, and hope it will keep its mouth shut from here on out."
Representative after representative grew visibly frustrated as Science repeatedly invoked its constitutional protections.
"So when exactly did you know natural immunity was superior to vaccination?" one congressman asked.
"On the advice of counsel, I respectfully decline to answer," said Science.
"Why did you call for censorship of anyone who stated that COVID leaked from a lab, when you knew that was the most likely explanation?"
"I invoke the Fifth."
"Was the rule for six feet of social distancing based on actual evidence?"
"Fifth."
"Did you ever tell people they couldn't go to church but could attend a BLM protest?"
"I'm going to go with... the fifth."
Legal experts noted that invoking the Fifth Amendment is a constitutional right and does not, by itself, imply wrongdoing. They also observed that it was nevertheless an unusual strategy for Science, which had proclaimed itself to be "settled" back in 2020.
At publishing time, Science had requested that law enforcement please stop "following the Science."
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