Exclusive: The Babylon Bee Has Obtained A Copy Of Trump‘s New Year’s Resolutions
It's the end of December, which means people all over the world are making their lists of New Year's resolutions for 2026 — and President Donald Trump is no different.
Through high-level contacts, The Babylon Bee has obtained the following copy of Trump's resolutions for the coming year:
Build a wall around New York City: To keep the riffraff from escaping into the U.S.
Put his face on all U.S. currency: Nobody remembers people like Lincoln, Andrew Jackson, or Ben Franklin anyway.
Reconnect with Macaulay Culkin: Make sure he knows where to find the bathroom.
Broker peace with all the losers and haters: A truce only Trump can negotiate.
Break ground on the White House Monster Truck Arena: Fulfilling a promise he made to JD Vance.
Apply crippling economic pressure on McDonald's until they bring the McRib back year-round: Sky-high tariffs on every extra value meals until they cave.
Abandon strategy of hiring hot female attorneys and instead hire even hotter female attorneys: It'll definitely work this time.
Bomb the Norwegian Nobel Committee for refusing to award him the Peace Prize: That'll show ‘em.
To achieve world peace so Earth will be unified against the impending alien invasion: The galactic army from Zorlox IX won't stand a chance when Trump is elected President of Earth.
Prepare an astonishingly spiteful obituary for that 4th-rate loser Dick Van Dyke: He never said nice things about Trump, even once.
Forget the list — change nothing: President Trump is already perfect.
If you thought 2025 was a year of winning, you haven't seen anything yet. What other resolutions should President Trump have for 2026? Post your suggestions in the comments.
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