Hell Freezes Over As Congressional Republicans Don’t Blow It
The Democrat crowing about how the Big Beautiful Bill is going to be the doom of the Republicans is about as convincing as Zohran Mamdami’s college app claim that he’s a black guy; in his defense, he is more Indian than Elizabeth Warren, in a manner of speaking. Though their social media doofuses and regime media toe-sucks are hooting about how Hakeem Jeffries set a record for running his fool mouth and how voters will totally be angry with the GOP for killing eleventy million people – the BBB is even deadlier than net neutrality, climate change, and not allowing confused children mutilate themselves to conform to their delusions combined – this is a huge and humiliating loss. It is also a rare exception to the usual GOP MO of snatching defeat from the jaws of victory.
Let’s get the obvious out of the way – this victory capped perhaps the most potent first six months of a presidency ever. Donald Trump came in kicking commie tush, and for the last half-year, he’s been landing score after score while melting every temporary setback his detractors have dealt him. Just a month ago, Iran had a nuclear program. Now, it’s a smoking ruin. Today, no innocent honor student undocumented migrant can walk home from reading to orphans without living in fear that ICE will disappear him into an alligator-guarded gulag. DEI is DOA, the stock market is setting records, and colleges are bending the knee to the hated King. Heck, he has even ended the Rwanda-Congo War and brought peace to Zohran Mamdami’s people.
But, without the BBB passing, it would have been all for naught. The Democrats knew it, and they went all out to stop it. When the sky doesn’t fall and the Dow soars higher, they get to explain, “Sure, Trump’s brought America a new Golden Age, but his tweets are still really mean!”
Another winner: J.D. Vance, whose tie-breaking vote got the Senate buy-in. But it was his behind-the-scenes work that helped smooth the way. This guy was deep in the mix, making it happen, and he will get credit for it. Though we have an incredible bench, the nomination is pretty much his in 3.5 years. Right now, the big question is who the Dems will pick to star as McGovern Mondale in the 2028 production of “When In Doubt, Go Left 3: We’re Due for a Win, Right?”
It’s so weird to be saying good things about GOP congressional leaders, but John Thune – he sounds like an MCU villain who fights Iron Man – made it happen without blowing up the filibuster or setting a bad precedent. This was the kind of masterful performance you would expect of Mitch McConnell – yes, I know you curse his name, but until now, he was the unchallenged master of senatorial strategy and minutiae. Totally out from Cocaine Mitch’s shadow, he made the hard calls that cut some of our favorite little tidbits from the bill in order to pass the big stuff. Someone has to be the bad guy. Someone has to make us mad to get things done. Thune did it without being condescending or obnoxious. We now know we have a Senate majority leader who makes it happen. That will serve us well when we build on this win.
Okay, Mike Johnson. Who the hell is this guy? Where did he come from? When he got voted Speaker, most of us thought he was an asterisk on a placeholder. Mitch would have to score him an eight-ball of his cocaine just to get the preternaturally serene southerner up to “mild-mannered.” And yet, he did the impossible, again and again, somehow bringing together utterly incompatible factions to create that nearly invisible area of overlap in the Venn Diagram that was the BBB. He did the impossible. And you know what else they are saying is impossible? Expanding the House GOP majority in 2026.
Another winner…hear me out. The Freedom Caucus. Even the hardest conservatives have gotten frustrated with them when it looked like they were going to kill the deal time and time again. We agree with them on the merits of spending – given the chance, I’d replace food stamps with community gruel pots– but still, they often drive us crazy. But that’s their job. They push things right. This BBB is significantly more right-wing than it would have been without their brinkmanship. Would they have tanked it? Maybe. They have to keep that possibility out there even when it looks suicidal. The Freedom Caucus is basically Cleavon Little in “Blazing Saddles,” and the rest of the House are the people of Rock Ridge wondering if they are just crazy enough to do it.
And the losers? I mean, besides the entire Democrat Party? The Lol-bertarian Twins Rand Paul and Thomas Massie believed their own hype of being stalwart, principled iconoclasts standing in the breach. The Freedom Caucus got something by being a pain; these two got zilch and succeeded in doing what many believed impossible – making libertarians even more annoying. There’s no universe where their ideological fantasies pass any House or Senate that might ever exist on Earth.
Trump must crush Massie unmercifully as a cautionary example of those who don’t get on the team. Paul still has a cycle to get his head right, but we’re tired of smug talk. We want wins on the scoreboard, not some dork showboating for sophomoric incel fanboys by failing to accomplish anything except making sure no one else can accomplish anything, either. And if the passage of the BBB helps rid us of them, that’s yet another reason to celebrate.
Imagine – celebrating what the GOP has done. Well, that’s the reality, at least today. Tomorrow, it might be back to monkey business as usual, but we should savor this while we can.
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