Continental Congress Reluctantly Agrees To Trim Down Name Of ‘Big Beautiful Declaration Of Independence’

Babylon Bee🐝 

PHILADELPHIA — After a tense round of voting, the Continental Congress passed a resolution to shorten the title of the Big Beautiful Declaration of Independence to simply Declaration of Independence.

"I really thought people would be more likely to vote for it if we called it big and beautiful," said John Adams, a member of the committee appointed to draft the declaration. "But then they just said 'Shut up, you insufferable rotundity!' That really hurt."

Benjamin Franklin has criticized the Congress for essentially neutering their independence before they've even declared it. "If we're to have any chance in this war, we need a big and beautiful declaration to really stick it to King George," he said. "They who give up 'big and beautiful' to obtain a little temporary security deserve neither liberty nor security."

"Okay fine, we'll remove 'big' and 'beautiful' from the title," said the document's chief author, Thomas Jefferson. "But we're keeping 'independence' in, thank you very much, Mr. John Dickinson."

To date, a majority of the Continental Congress appears to support independence, but it is considered to be in the best interest of the colonies to ensure a unanimous vote, which is precisely why minor squabbles over exact language or the precise title of the declaration are of such paramount.

"Changing the title is a small price to pay," said Roger Sherman, a man who no one realized was on the committee in the first place.

At publishing time, the president of the Congress, Mr. John Hancock, had said he would sign the document with much less vigor now that it had such a boring name.