TGIF: The McDonald’s Election

That’s right. You caught them: The campaign planned ahead to have the former president come to a McDonald’s franchise. He didn’t even apply through the online portal to become a member of the crew. And did you know his technique was bad? Horrible. Here’s The New York Times explaining that the former president is not good at making fries: “After Donald Trump served fast food during a campaign stop at a McDonald’s, several actual McDonald’s workers who examined a video of his performance earned mixed reviews from workers and patrons alike.” He also threw salt over his shoulder, which was against health codes. Someone appoint a special prosecutor immediately. 

Did you know that doing a campaign stop at a fast-food joint is not like actually working at a fast-food joint? MSNBC needs to make sure. Next we’re going to have a special edition investigating whether the tooth fairy is just your mom. 

→ No, Trump does not work at McDonald’s: Donald J. Trump this week took a break from selling Trump Coins and Trump Bibles to do a campaign stunt at a McDonald’s in Feasterville, Pennsylvania. There, he donned a blue apron and learned fry frying techniques while cameras rolled. He went to the takeout window and handed out burgers to giddy supporters. It was pretty standard retail politics, like when politicians in England pull pints or in France, where I assume they disclose an affair. It’s called appealing to the average voter. No one was confused about what was happening. No one needed to get upset. But watching Trump eke past Kamala in the latest polls in this very tight race, the mainstream media could not let McDonald’s stand. First of all: Did you know the photo shoot was staged and that Trump does not actually work at McDonald’s?

Did you know that doing a campaign stop at a fast-food joint is not like actually working at a fast-food joint? MSNBC needs to make sure. Next we’re going to have a special edition investigating whether the tooth fairy is just your mom. 

 

Soon, that particular McDonald’s was flooded with negative reviews on Yelp. Its health records were plumbed. Major media outlets reported on how that McDonald’s had employees who had been cited for not having “hands clean and properly washed.” Every mainstream reporter in America grabbed their satchel and ran to that McDonald’s in Feasterville and asked a Happy Meal toy for a comment. Soon, we’ll know the racist history of the word feast and also ville. Soon, the mayor of Feasterville will be exposed for an affair from 15 years ago. If you live in the vicinity of this McDonald’s, all I can say is do not answer the door. It’s CNN knocking and they want to call you fat and they just have a few questions about that mobile order you placed last Thursday night. 

→ The McDonald’s election: The Golden Arches never asked for this, but they are golden arching over these final days of the presidential election. See, Kamala Harris has claimed that she worked at McDonald’s during the summer as a youth. Trump says she never did. So now the media is obsessed with proving that she definitely 100 percent did work at McDonald’s. From The New York Times this week: “Donald Trump has claimed without evidence that Ms. Harris never worked at the fast-food chain. Her campaign and a friend say she did.” Oh, her campaign and a friend! That settles it. The friend said she heard it from Harris’s late mother, whose last words, I assume, were “Don’t forget your visor.” Lock tight!

More from the NYT: “Mr. Trump’s seeding of doubts about Ms. Harris’s story, while insidious and outside the lines of traditional fair play in politics, advances his goal of portraying Ms. Harris as a fraud.” Yes: insidious. Yes: outside the lines of traditional fair play in politics. 

I love this because Trump questioning Kamala’s work experience is the most fair play, inside-the-lines thing I’ve seen him do this entire election. Trump spends his days making fun of Kamala for being married to a guy who, in a previous marriage, had an affair with the nanny. That feels way more unfair! Trump’s VP is basically running on the idea that Kamala didn’t have kids and, hey, isn’t that creepy? Trump is sure the 2020 election was stolen from him and probably has plans to gerrymander Maricopa County out of existence. 

You might think those things would be more triggering. But no. The honor we must defend is that Kamala Harris Worked at McDonald’s. 

Questioning whether she flipped burgers is the same as questioning Barack Obama’s citizenship. 

“Lacking a shred of proof, he has charged that she never actually worked under the golden arches—recalling his earlier false claim that President Barack Obama was not born in the United States.” Both are equally bad. 

McDonald’s released a bemused statement to franchise owners. 

“As we’ve seen, our brand has been a fixture of conversation this election cycle,” the fast-food conglomerate writes. “While we’ve not sought this, it’s a testament to how much McDonald’s resonates with so many Americans. McDonald’s does not endorse candidates for elected office and that remains true in this race for the next President. We are not red or blue—we are golden.”

https://www.thefp.com/p/tgif-the-mcdonalds-election?utm_source=post-email-title&publication_id=260347&post_id=150692495&utm_campaign=email-post-title&isFreemail=false&r=rd3ao&triedRedirect=true&utm_medium=email

No notes. So calm and normal and even a little funny. McDonald’s executives, I have a simple proposal: How about you be our president? Also, if you’re reading this, please bring back the Southwest Salad.