Tim Walz Promises To Ensure All Violent Migrant Gangs Have Access To Free Tampons

Babylon Bee🐝

U.S. — In a stirring speech, VP candidate Tim Walz vowed to do whatever it takes to ensure all violent migrant gangs have access to free tampons.

"Violent gangs full of undocumented immigrants we could easily deport should absolutely be given free feminine hygiene products," Tim Walz said while on the campaign trail. "They deserve access to tampons, same as any woman, whatever a woman is."

"This is the compassionate thing to do."

Walz has received criticism in recent weeks for facilitating the rise of Somali gangs with policies that favor illegal immigration to the state; such as driver's licenses for illegal immigrants, eligibility for tuition-free college programs, and access to the state's MinnesotaCare system. Walz contends that free tampons might just be the missing ingredient that will bring peace to gang-infested areas.

"You see, when you treat people with basic human decency, they might be less likely to violently take control of entire city blocks and terrorize the populace," he said. "I'm a good person."

At publishing time, a violent turf war had broken out between competing migrant gangs over who would be in control of tampon distribution.