DNA Test Reveals Kamala Harris Actually 98% Vodka
U.S. — In order to put any questions about her ethnic background to rest, Vice President Kamala Harris took a DNA test which ultimately revealed that she is almost entirely composed of vodka.
"Essentially, Harris has just a little bit of Jamaican and Indian DNA swimming around in an ocean of Tito's," explain geneticist Dr. John Stalks. "There's also just tiny bit of tonic water to round it all out."
The scientists at Johns Hopkins who ran the DNA test called the results a true medical marvel, as it was previously thought that such incredible levels of vodka were incompatible with human life. "Looking under the microscope, it's truly amazing," said researcher Jan Devers. "There's just a few scattered DNA helixes bobbing around in a sea of vodka. Her bones are literally made of Tito's on the rocks. I've never seen anything like it."
According to sources, the results came as a bit of surprise to the Harris campaign, who expected the Vice President to have more gin and tequila in her blood. "Not even 5% gin? That's a real shocker," said campaign aide Milo Dannely. "Well, I suppose that will put all these questions of her racial identity to rest. Yeesh. Really can't believe the tequila didn't even register in all that Tito's."
At publishing time, the Harris campaign had condemned President Trump's rhetoric about her mixed-race heritage and demanded he recognize her identity as a bottle of vodka.
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