Pope Excommunicates Bishop On Suspicion Of Being A Christian

Babylon Bee🐝

ROME — Shockwaves were felt throughout the religious world today, as churches around the globe received official word that the Pope had excommunicated a bishop on suspicion of being a Christian.

Conflicts had arisen regarding the teachings and public statements of Archbishop Carlo Maria Viganò, with critics and high-ranking officials within the Catholic Church accusing him of showing signs of being an actual Christian, eventually leading to his dismissal from the church.

"We do not tolerate the practice of Christianity here," Pope Francis said in an official statement released by the Vatican. "This man disagreed with me so strongly that people began to think he was a Christian. Some said he even started reading and telling other people what the Bible says, which is an unspeakable assault on the Vatican. We had no choice but to remove him from his position and excommunicate him from the Catholic faith."

Vatican insiders said Viganò's stubborn refusal to promote unchecked immigration and warn about the evil of climate change while rebuking the church for alleged sex abuse and its deviation from traditional values raised suspicion that he was practicing Christianity. "Shame on him," said one source. "This is 2024. There is no room in the Catholic Church for the antiquated positions espoused by Christians. He should follow the example of the Pope and not adhere to any basic tenets of Christianity whatsoever."

At publishing time, the Vatican had sent out a stern warning to all other bishops reminding them that reading the Bible was strictly prohibited.