I had a blissful 20 minutes of maternity leave before I heard the words “Trump’s been shot.”

 

At the start of the speech, I thought Trump had this election pretty well cinched. But if a functional, fully alert Democrat was the nominee, honestly, it would be a toss-up! As the pollster Dave Wasserman put it: “Periodic reminder that someone is going to have to win the 2024 election despite their best efforts not to.” My main remaining question is regarding Usha Vance, J.D.’s very smart and lovely wife. See, I’m not seeing filler. I’m not seeing a wig. I’m not even seeing an earring! I’m seeing a look of shock and alarm. How long will she resist the Trumpification? 

Meanwhile, Democrats are going for the jugular with Joe. Apparently, he hadn’t taken the very strong hints—you know, of every swing state going for Trump—so staffers for Nancy Pelosi and Chuck Schumer spent the week leaking details about how they had meetings with Biden and told him to resign. Nancy Pelosi is a killer—she will put a horse’s head in Biden’s bed, and she’ll have sliced it off herself. 

Once Nancy turns on you, you’re done. The journalist Mark Halperin reported that he’s hearing Biden will withdraw his nomination by Sunday and that Jon Meacham is punching up the speech. Then Meacham said it was totally false. What’s true? What’s false? I haven’t slept in five days and don’t even know my own name. 

→ Someone really almost killed Trump: A 20-year-old man named Thomas Matthew Crooks pitched a large ladder and climbed the roof of a building during a Trump rally, posted up with a “semiautomatic AR-style rifle,” and fired at the former president. Trump was saved only by a last-second turn of the head—the bullet whizzed through his ear. As Secret Service swarmed him, as blood streamed down his face, as an American flag flew behind him, Trump threw up a fist and screamed “Fight, fight, fight.” He is now selling “Fight fight fight” sneakers. 

Those facts are just about all people can agree on. The immediate reaction from the left and a few very mainstream Democrats was that this was a false flag, a fake assassination attempt designed to make Trump look cool and strong, straight out of Putin’s playbook. I’m totally serious. 

Reid Hoffman—the co-founder of LinkedIn, one of the top donors for Democrats, the man who funded the E. Jean Carroll lawsuit—has Dmitri Mehlhorn to help dole out his political cash. Here’s what Melhorni wrote to a large group of allies and journalists after the shooting: “[One] possibility—which feels horrific and alien and absurd in America, but is quite common globally—is that this ‘shooting’ was encouraged and maybe even staged so Trump could get the photos and benefit from the backlash. . . . 

This is a classic Putin play and given the facts seems more plausible. Look at the actual shot. Look at the staging.” 

This is a conspiracy that could take root only on the left. Here’s why: to believe that a 20-year-old hobbyist sniper, from 390 feet away, could perfectly and reliably shoot at a rapidly moving head and hit just the ear. . . well, you have to have never aimed a gun in your entire life. Those Trump ears don’t even stick out much; they’re tight to the head, maybe a little small now that I stare at them. This conspiracy could work only among a cohort who weren’t allowed Nerf guns, let alone Call of Duty, let alone a real gun to shoot. But it’s going mainstream! This is a completely normal take to have among MSNBC Democrats right now. Don’t believe me? 

“Donald Trump is an elderly man who, for whatever reason, was given nine seconds to take a[n] iconic photo op during an active shooter situation,” said MSNBC’s Joy Ann Reid as Biden’s former White House press secretary Jen Psaki nodded along. “Weird situation, we’ll figure that out one day.” She goes on to say that Biden getting and surviving Covid is the same as Trump surviving the bullet, which everyone latched onto, but for me it’s the first bit, the was given nine seconds to take an iconic photo op. These are mainstream Democrats on a national news show openly mulling that Republicans planned the shooting for a photo op.

And even if Trump didn’t specifically pay for his cool new ear gauge, maybe he was sort of asking for it:

→ But let me present my own conspiracies, which are really theories: Let me indulge in my own alternative narrative footsie, if you will. Like: Thomas Crooks was recorded in the background of a video at 5:06 p.m., about an hour before the shooting, pacing around the boundaries of the Trump rally. 

It was around then that he was identified as a person of interest by law enforcement while Butler Township police separately received a report of a “suspicious male.” At 5:52 p.m., Secret Service snipers first spotted Crooks on the roof of a building outside the security zone. 

Various rally attendees yelled and pointed him out to security. Around this time, a Butler Township police officer attempted to climb up on the roof and stop Crooks until he pointed his gun at the officer, scaring the cop away. At 6:12 p.m., Crooks opened fire on Trump. It took 26 seconds after that for a Secret Service sniper to fatally shoot Crooks in the head. 

The roof he shot from is clearly a good roof to shoot a president from, so why wasn’t it secured? “That building in particular has a sloped roof at its highest point. And so, you know, there’s a safety factor that would be considered there that we wouldn’t want to put somebody up on a sloped roof,” said the head of the Secret Service, Kimberly Cheatle. Of course, Kim wouldn’t want to make anyone uncomfy by putting them in an unsafe sitch. The Secret Service is for wearing cool sunglasses and whispering a secret into your jacket sleeve every so often. 

Don’t forget: inside that exact building a team of snipers was hanging out, waiting. Didn’t they think to peek on the roof? Slope too scary? Now, honestly, I feel divided on this. Mostly I think it’s just Uvalde levels of incompetence and cowardice. But it is all a little weird. Little odd. A little “someone gave him nine seconds.” But back to Kim, the head of the Secret Service.

One thing Kim has prioritized is Secret Service gender diversity, hoping to get to 30 percent female agents by 2030. And it looks like she’s well on her way! Trump was guarded by a surprising number of petite female Secret Service agents. And while I think women are amazing (I am one, married to one, daughter of one, mother of future one, etc.), I question the efficacy of a petite female tasked with this job (covering the president’s big body with her own to take a bullet). A small female can certainly cover Trump’s legs and midsection, but that would leave the chest and head. They could probably get the whole back but only if he’s sitting down. Tricky. 

Trump’s particular lady SS agents seemed overwhelmed, beyond just being short. One tried valiantly to holster her gun, over and over. It was not a great look. Apparently the SS tests for men and women have totally different standards. You cannot tell me these scenes are good for feminism. Feminism is letting women try to pass the same tests as men. It’s not giving me a tiny lady firehose for the test—and then nodding solemnly when I can’t carry the real firehose and everyone dies while people get viral videos of me crying and calling my dad. 

→ This was the ramped-up security: In recent weeks, the Secret Service learned that the government of Iran is looking to assassinate Trump. So they ramped up security. Indeed, this was the ramped-up security. The same team who missed a large ladder and a kid sniper, who local and likely a little beer-drunk MAGA fans were pointing to, all “There’s a goddamn kid with a gun on the roof!” My expectations now are very low. If Trump lives all the way to the election, I’ll consider it a win. 

→ Hide the pics: For the mainstream press, the big problem was that there now exists a pic of Trumpo looking brave—bloodied, defiant, standing with his fist in the air. The picture was taken by the incredible Evan Vucci. 

Here’s Axios on the crisis, quoting an anonymous photo editor from “a major news outlet” who says: “It’s dangerous for media organizations to keep sharing that photo despite how good it is.” As Trump put it: “A lot of people say it’s the most iconic photo they’ve ever seen. They’re right and I didn’t die. Usually you have to die to have an iconic picture.” 

The mainstream media didn’t seem to want to linger on the attack. The Denver Post simply went with: “Gunman Dies in Attack.” Though some outlets came out with special surprises:

The piece has since been pulled, but I’d like you to take notice of the section that it was filed under. Moving on!

→ Give him a trophy: The shooter, Thomas Crooks, tried to join his high school shooting club but was rejected because he was bad at shooting. So we might have an example here of when gentle parenting would have been good. Let little Tommy onto the team. Give him a participation trophy. Say everyone’s a winner, and that he hit the bull’s-eye in our hearts.

Aside from being bullied, we still don’t know that much about the shooter. Like, this kind of awkward loner type lives online, but no one can find much of anything. Which is a little weird, right? And he really almost killed the former president, but it’s almost like, not a big deal. And the Secret Service head isn’t even resigning. Odd, no? Anyone? Mom, please come back to the table. I promise not to bring it up again. 

→ Heated rhetoric: In the days before someone put Trump in the cross-hairs, Biden suggested putting Trump in a bull’s-eye. “I have one job, and that’s to beat Donald Trump. I’m absolutely certain I’m the best person to be able to do that. So, we’re done talking about the debate. It’s time to put Trump in a bull’s-eye,” Biden said. Bad timing. Uncomfortable. But rhetoric on both sides is deranged. I don’t blame one or the other here. We also have no idea what motivated the shooter, and it was probably just general insanity, of which there is plenty to go around. (But maybe one of our enemies trained him? Iran? I have zero evidence. Just vibes. Think about it.)

→ Leave Tenacious D alone: Now that cultural and political power has started shifting away from the left, we’re seeing a fresh take on our old friend: cancel culture. Yes, right-wingers are going all in on canceling random people for minor infractions. They’re seeing apologies as nothing but a little more blood in the water. They’re finding cashiers and bartenders to thrust in the spotlight and shame. And surprise: it’s horrible! 

If you’re calling a random restaurant to get a private citizen fired for a Facebook comment, you’ve lost your mind. Or here: a random older woman running a checkout station at Home Depot had posted that she wished the shooter had been a better shot. 

A conservative went to the Home Depot, found her working, took video of himself confronting her, and then right-wing accounts amplified the video and called on Home Depot to axe her:

Lo and behold, Home Depot fired her. Well done, guys! That powerful checkout lady learned a big lesson. 

Meanwhile, Kyle Gass of the comedy and performance duo Tenacious D made a similar comment onstage (“Don’t miss Trump next time!”). He profusely apologized. But as with any internet mob cancellation, an apology is just the very beginning. His talent agency dropped him. Jack Black, his longtime bandmate, canceled the whole tour with him and then publicly disavowed him. Dismal. 

If you were against cancel culture when it targeted random citizens who posted thin blue line flags, then you better be beating your chest to honor that Home Depot worker. Where is J.D. Vance, voice of the working class, enemy of cancellations? If you thought it was crazy when assistant professors were being fired for giving grades based on merit, you better be Braveheart for the kitchen & bar worker. 

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