9 Lesser-Known Facts About Saint Patrick

Babylon Bee🐝

Most people know the story about how Saint Patrick drove all of the snakes out of Ireland after treating them to a night of heavy drinking. But here at the Bee, our historical scholars dug deep to uncover some fascinating lesser-known facts about his life:

1. He was best friends with Saint Spongebob: They were roommates living in a pineapple under the Irish Sea for several years after college.
2. He invented Lucky Charms cereal in 436AD: It wasn't a big hit at the time since marshmallows weren't invented for another 1500 years.
3. The devout Christian saint celebrated his birthday by getting absolutely plastered at local pubs every year: This is a tradition people continue to this day in order to honor his legacy.
4. He once came up with a completely heretical explanation of the Trinity after finding a five-leaf clover: Fortunately, the clover was stolen by a leprechaun before he could write it all down, and he eventually forgot all about it.
5. His favorite meal was pickled herring with a side of egg salad: Nobody is sure how this turned into corned beef and cabbage, but it's probably for the best.
6. He had a rare genetic mutation that allowed him to breathe under water. After a solitary life spent adrift at sea, he eventually befriended a small girl, defeated the evil Smoker gang, and led a ragtag group of survivors to Dryland: This was loosely the inspiration for Waterworld.
7. He stopped going by his nickname "Saint Patty" after confusion arose about his gender: To be fair, his long curly hair and penchant for wearing pink probably didn't help.
8. He drove all the snakes out of Ireland, but was terrified of those buzzy beetle things that randomly start flying around your head: It's a rational fear, to be honest.
9. He was pinched to death at the age of 120 after forgetting to wear green on his birthday: Rules are rules, after all.

So, there you have it, nine totally true and accurate facts about Ireland's favorite son guaranteed to impress your friends and relatives. So as you enjoy a pint (or two) of green beer this weekend, remember to raise a glass to the man, the myth, the legend: Saint Patrick.