The Babylon Bee Guide To Which Statues You Can And Can't Tear Down
In the year 2024, knowing which statues you can tear down is more confusing then ever! Will you be hailed as a hero of progress for fighting valiantly against colonization, or vilified and brought up on criminal charges for vandalizing a sacred monument?
Thankfully, The Babylon Bee has done your homework for you and put together the following guide to which statues you can — or can't — tear down:
- Yes: Thomas Jefferson, known bigot and slave owner
- No: Satan, brave and inclusive hero
- Yes: George Washington, father of racist country
- No: George Floyd, father of Black Lives Matter
- Yes: Andrew Jackson, white-skinned man who hosted dinner served by slaves
- No: Michael Jackson, white-skinned man who hosted fun sleepovers with kids
- Yes: Abraham Lincoln, war-mongering Republican president
- No: Xi Jinping, honorable Chinese president
- Yes: Robert E. Lee, model of Confederacy
- No: Male models in fountain at The Derek Zoolander Center For Kids Who Can't Read Good And Want To Learn To Do Other Stuff Good Too
- Yes: Marines hoisting flag on Iwo Jima, symbol of male toxicity
- No: Drag queens hoisting Pride flag, symbol of males being stunning and fabulous
- Yes: Confederate solider, who killed his own countrymen
- No: Antifa soldier, who killed his own countrymen
- Yes: Jesus, leader of evil and intolerant Christians
- No: Jesus holding a rainbow flag, leader of good and tolerant faux-Christians
By following the list above, you can eliminate all the guesswork the next time you're looking for a statue to destroy.
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