9 Amazing Things Tucker Saw That Prove Russia Is Better Than America

Babylon Bee🐝

Journalist and reformed bow-tie enthusiast Tucker Carlson recently returned home from a trip to Russia with glowing reviews of the former Soviet Union and its leader, President Vladimir Putin.

Carlson praised Russia for its clean cities and pristine subway systems. Here are 9 other things that Tucker saw that convinced him Russia is definitely better than the USA.

1. No other journalists anywhere for some odd reason: Tucker confirmed the streets are completely clear of loathsome journalists. Also, the prisons are full for some reason.
2. No tampon dispensers in the men's restroom: Paradise!
3. A small village where a bear is mayor: Tucker was astounded to learn the bear established effective local policy and manages an entire city budget, all while drunk on vodka. Biden could never do that.
4. No Taylor Swift: And no Travis Kelce. It's hard for Americans to imagine such a world.
5. Slow drivers in the fast lane are sent to the gulag: Also, fast drivers in the slow lane are sent to the gulag.
6. No one has to worry about who will win the next presidential election: Much less stress this way.
7. Functional nuclear warheads are available for purchase by private citizens at every newsstand: That would never be allowed here. Because of wokeness.
8. Totally awesome super amazing tracksuits as far as the eye can see: In America, we have a shocking lack of 20-something-year-old men hanging out on the street corner casually flipping around butterfly knives while wearing black Adidas tracksuits. We're living in tyranny!
9. Astounding lack of George Floyd murals: Not even in the subway.

Tucker might be right, Russia is probably at least 40 times better than the U.S. Sad!