Mitch McConnell: ‘Get Your Crying Done Now Because We’re Not Passing Shit’

the ONION

WASHINGTON—In a press conference addressing the community of Uvalde, TX, Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell reportedly urged those affected Thursday to get their crying done now because he wouldn’t be passing shit. “Go ahead and shed some tears, trot out the families of the victims, do whatever the fuck you’re going to do, and then we’re going to go back to pretending none of this happened,” said McConnell, urging the nation to go online and post whatever little impassioned rants or photographs of the bereaved they had, since he and his fellow lawmakers had decided their response to all of this would continue to be absolutely fucking nothing. “And yes, we know the parents of the victims will be burying 19 young children in the coming few weeks. Seriously, none of it matters to us. I don’t know how to make it any clearer. We simply couldn’t care less.” At press time, McConnell had returned to the podium to add that his thoughts and prayers were, of course, with the community and the grieving families.