The Babylon Bee Guide To The Founding Fathers

Babylon Bee🐝

Did you know that there exists a country called The United States of America and that some people "founded" it? That's right! But now we know you're wondering who these racist white men are. So were we, until we looked them up on Wikipedia for you!

Here is your complete guide to the Founding Fathers.

1) George Washington: America's first president. Refused to be crowned King as he instead wanted to be called "Supreme Potentate of Time." Hated cherry trees. 

2) John Adams: A fat guy. That's all the history books really say about him. Sad! 

3) Thomas Jefferson: Though others share credit for the Declaration of Independence, Thomas Jefferson did most of the work, like that kid in your science class who does the whole school project by himself while you skate by and get an "A." Hated the Bible.

4) Mel Gibson: This brave founding father defended his farm against the evil redcoats, charged into battle with an American flag, and threw tomahawks dead at redcoats' foreheads. Known for coining the phrase "Aim small, miss small." Not many people know, but he also fought in the Battle of Stirling Bridge in 1297.

5) Patrick Henry: An unhinged maniac who preferred death over not having liberty.

6) Colonel Sanders: This founding father from Kentucky was no chicken. While other men were clucking around, he left his roost to fry the British with eleven metaphorical herbs and spices.

7) Benjamin Franklin: Elon Musk in a past life. But with syphilis!

8) John Hancock: Terrible handwriting. The Declaration of Independence had to be rewritten over 14 times so that John Hancock‘s name did not cover up the entire document.

9) Alexander Hamilton: Kept shouting "You got served!" after winning epic dance duels. Wrote most of the Federalist Papers. While dancing.

10) Donald Trump: Decided to invent a country that was really good at winning, which was key in the Revolutionary War. Promised to return one day and make America great again.