Lockheed Martin CEO Tearfully Urges U.S. To Implement No-Fly Zone In Ukraine

Babylon Bee🐝

U.S.—In a stirring interview on CNBC this week, Lockheed Martin's CEO Jim Taiclet tearfully urged the Biden Administration to declare a no-fly zone in Ukraine. 

"Just think of the stockholders, um, I mean—the innocent civilians in Ukraine!" he said, wiping tears from his eyes. "Imagine how safe they'll be as our multi-billion-dollar F-35s, Stalker UAS drones, or S-97 Raiders patrol the skies! Please! Someone must do something! For the children!" 

Lockheed Martin has already spent $80 million on marketing campaigns to garner support for a no-fly-zone in Ukraine, as well as the world war that would likely come after. 

"This is so, so important," said Taiclet, blowing into a silk hanky. "Think of the glistening weapons technology Lockheed Martin could deploy in Ukraine! It's such a beautiful thought I get emotional just thinking about it. I mean, the kids. Thinking about the kids. In Ukraine. Yeah." 

Biden is said to be considering a no-fly zone as soon as aides finish explaining to him what a no-fly zone is, what a "Ukraine" is, and who the President is.