9 Most Important Things To Look For When Shopping For A New Church

Babylon Bee🐝

We get it. Sometimes church can be offputting, especially when people ask you to do things or suggest you should stop sinning. What a bunch of jerks!

When the time comes for you to separate from your brethren over a petty dispute we recommend keeping your eye open for these nine important things when shopping around for your new worship home.

1) No judgment at all even if you're a big fat jerk: Jesus said not to judge and then He probably didn't say anything else after that to qualify the statement. NO JUDGING!

2) Comfortable pews: Ever tried sleeping in a wooden pew? Your back will hurt for days! Might want to make sure they recline and have built-in massagers too.

3) A sermon series based around the latest Marvel movie: How can you understand the Bible without comparisons between Captain America and Jesus?

4) Top-of-the-line lighting and sound design: Aw yeah! The Holy Spirit can't comfort you if you're not rocking to some sweet jams. Bonus points for a high-quality fog machine.

5) A second, secret entrance without greeters: It's best if we're allowed to worship God in our own way without being friendly.

6) Diversity quotas: You want a pastor who's just absolutely obsessed with race, like Jesus was.

7) At least 30 casserole varieties: What's the point in getting to know people if there isn't way too much free food?

8) Organic, certified, fair-trade coffee options: The big, old, 60-cup chrome percolator of coffee just doesn't cut it anymore.

9) An airtight promise to never challenge your sin or ask you to change your lifestyle in any way: Jesus may have instituted the last supper but a church with gluten-free bread has perfected it.

And there you have it! Keeping these details in mind should help you find a church that's accepting of you and doesn't have any requirements or concerns for you at all. Just like God intended!