Man Wears Mask Into Walmart, Not Because Of COVID But Because It’s Walmart

Babylon Bee🐝

AURORA, CO—Local man Terry Cleanmanson wore a surgical mask to Walmart yesterday, not because he was afraid of a deadly pandemic but because he was going to Walmart.

"Something happens to the people that go there; they lose any concept of personal space...everyone's a walking biohazard. And don't get me started on cross-contamination. I once saw a gallon of milk sitting between two throw pillows—in the garden section!" wrote Cleanmanson for a Walmart Customer Experience Survey.

"Walmart is a nightmare machine," he continued. "I don't know why anyone's frightened of the 'Rona when these bio-hazard zones are in every city."

"I mask up every time."

Cleanmanson's sentiments are not unique. Millions of patrons have horror stories to share about visits to the popular retailer. But, like presidential elections, they don't think they have much choice.

"These are stories that often end in sickness, depression, and death," says Walmart historian Drajök Namberlandy. "But you can't expect people to, for instance, go to a grocery store and a clothing store. That's two separate trips!"

Walmart remains one of the most popular retailers worldwide despite how much everyone hates it. Target, the chain's closest competitor, has tried unsuccessfully to brand itself as a clean alternative, but their slightly higher prices which offset the cost of a sterile environment have put customers off.

At publishing time, Terry Cleanmanson was hospitalized for prolonged Walmart exposure.