7 Tips For Keeping Your Kids Safe When They Have A Handheld Device Giving Them Unfettered Access To Porn

Babylon Bee🐝

So, you got your kid a smartphone. Oops! Big mistake there! Well, now that your child owns a portal providing unfettered access to a smorgasbord of the most horrifically obscene smut the depraved human mind can invent, here are a few foolproof ways to protect your kid!

1) Cast it into the fire: Destroy it! Smash the phone with a hammer! Feed it to sharks! Launch it into space! WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR? DO IT NOW! 

2) Make your kid pinky-promise to never look at porn: A second option, if you don't want to cast it into the fire and destroy it.

3) Abandon civilization forever: Move to the woods, 1000 miles away from any wifi signal. Live off the grid. Raise goats. Churn butter. 

4) Paste a post-it note reminding them Jesus is always watching: Or at least a picture of Matt Walsh's stern, disapproving face. 

5) Casually check their browser history every couple of years: Kids don't know how to delete their browser history. 

6) Hide in the bedroom closet: Whisper "I'm watching yoooouuu!" from time to time, just to keep them on their toes.

7) Nuke the entire internet from orbit: Just to be safe.