9 Ways To Be A Less Toxically Masculine Father

Babylon Bee🐝

Toxic masculinity, like a viral disease, is everywhere. If you’re a man, shame on you. Do better. 

But it’s not enough to just point out toxic masculinity’s ubiquitous spread in our decaying society. We at the Babylon Bee have curated a list of things you can do to fight the evils of patriarchy and fatherhood—after you have begun taking estrogen supplements: 

1) Wear your wife's clothes: This will give you a much cuter, less threatening appearance. 

2) Shrug and grunt apathetically when your kids ask for help: They need to learn they have autonomy and don't need a male savior!

3) Stop throwing the football around and play soccer instead: Football is full of male toxicity. Stop it now. Instead, play the beautiful, graceful game of soccer. You can even teach your kid how to flop while pretending to be hurt!

4) Do not ever change your child's diaper until they can provide clear verbal consent: No means no! "Waaaaaa" also means no. 

5) Have children with multiple partners and marry none of the mothers: This will teach your kids the important lesson that men don't own women, and encourage them to reject the oppressive Western norm of the nuclear family.

6) Go to the sports bar all day and watch games: You don't want to colonize your wife's home space with your colonial male occupier presence.

7) Encourage your kids to whine as much as possible: They are speaking THEIR truth! 

8) Never open pickle jars: Or change light bulbs, or fix leaky faucets, or change a tire. Your wife is a strong, independent woman.

9) Protect your kids from your toxic maleness by just avoiding them completely: Don’t worry, the State is ready and willing to raise them!

Put these into practice today! It's never too late to do better! Well, unless you've already been canceled. Then it is too late. Sorry.