Op-Ed: If We Don't Spend Trillions On Whatever Is In This Bill, We'll All Die!

Babylon Bee🐝

A critical bill that could end or save life as we know it doesn’t come along very often—maybe every month or two—and one has just arrived in the form of the $3.5 trillion social spending bill. If this bill doesn’t pass, millions will die for lack of whatever exactly it is that this bill is going to pay for.

Just think of it: It’s $3.5 trillion in spending. Some of it just has to be absolutely critical. Even if $2 trillion were just completely wasted on stupid nonsense, that would still leave $1.5 trillion spent on extremely crucial stuff—stuff someone, somewhere, probably needs. That’s why I’m violently angry at whoever is standing in the way of whatever this bill is all about.

Much of my ire is directed at Senators Manchin and Sinema, who are basically murderers, denying the people this bill which was going to do something for the very thing this bill was going to pay for—a thing I can only assume those people really needed and without which they will probably die. And if Manchin and Sinema get their way, those people will die unmourned—because I’m not exactly sure who those dying people are.

And yet, Manchin and Sinema stand absolutely alone in blocking this bill I can only presume is essential— alone with no one except fifty Republicans. So are Manchin and Sinema worse than Hitler? Well, Hitler never once voted with Republicans, so I’ll leave that up to you.

So what can we do? Well, I don’t usually advocate violence—not more than once a week—but I think it’s morally necessary here that we intimidate Manchin and Sinema into passing this bill. That’s how really, really important I assume this bill is. I very strongly suppose this is a matter of life and death. That’s why we have to take a firm stand and make Manchin and Sinema support this bill so the history books will say about us, “When the time came to do something about the thing, they passed that spending bill which paid for the stuff that was needed and helped some groups of people.” Or something like that.