16 Common Phrases In The News And What They Actually Mean

Babylon Bee🐝

As everyone knows, the news media knows what's best for us and they always tell the truth. The only problem is that they use really big and complicated words that we simple folk just don't understand. How will you ever keep up? Well, don't worry! We prepared this special translation guide just for you, so the next time you're watching the news you'll be able to follow along! 

1) "Debunked conspiracy theory" = a completely factual event that is 100% true and we don't like it

2) "This is dangerous misinformation" = we don't really agree with it but people are still sharing it

3) "Farm animal bacterial infection treatment" = penicillin 

4) "Conservative panelist" = guy who once voted for Ronald Reagan, possibly by mistake

5) "Super-spreader event" = gatherings of people we don't like

6) "This is the end of democracy" = Trump said a thing

7) "Settled science" = a non-reviewed study by a possibly fictitious organization that just came out this morning

8) "Widespread outrage" = 3 people on Twitter got mad

9) "Racist statements" = literally means nothing

10) "Informal gathering of like-minded people that fosters a sense of camaraderie and community among friends and neighbors" = bread lines

11) "Zero" = anywhere from zero to several trillion

12) "Republicans pounce" = uh oh... a Democrat raped someone

13) "Mostly peaceful" = it was hyper-violent but we agree with it

14) "Racist dog whistle" = a super-secret whistle that only racists can hear and only we heard it 

15) "Anonymous sources" = we totally made this up

16) "This is an apple" = this is a banana