10 Ways To Decompress After Scrolling Through The News On Your Phone

Babylon Bee🐝

Reading the news can be a stressful thing. Every time you think you've seen the worst thing you'll ever see, you scroll down a few more inches and, bam! Something even worse! 

You may need to unwind a bit after plunging yourself into the depths of human depravity, so here are a few things to do after you scroll the news: 

1) Slam your head in a door repeatedly: If you do this enough times, it may erase your memory. Cool! 

2) Play Monopoly with a toddler: You will soon find yourself longing for the miserable depravity of the news. Perspective! 

3) Don sackcloth and ashes and roam the streets warning the people of the impending judgment of God: It's super relaxing.

4) Rinse your eyes out with bleach: We recommend doing this every time you look at the news on your phone. Do not inject! 

5) Call your mother-in-law: Anything to get your mind off what you just read.

6) Give up technology and all your possessions, move into the mountains, and eat squirrel to survive: Just don't forget your phone.

7) Read more news: We know this is what you're going to do anyway.

8) Jump into a pile of soft kittens: If you're not sure where to find a pile of soft kittens, look on your phone! D'oh! You're reading the news again!

9) Storm the Capitol: Get out that frustration! Then you can have months and months of peaceful solitary confinement without your phone! 

10) Hope for the return of Jesus, pray to your maker, and remember that this world isn't your home: Also works great while playing Monopoly with your toddler.