Welcome to the Armed Farces
An exclusive report from inside the military's "extremism stand down"
Insurrectile Dysfunction
Domestic extremists are literally everywhere. Just look in the mirror! Like the body snatchers, they may look normal. They may be polite, pay their taxes, and wear pants in public. But that’s because these millions of bad people are hiding in plain sight. Just like Osama was, until they “discovered” him, living next to a military base.
In 2021, we learned that our terrorists live ON military bases.
After the January 6th fraternity panty raid at the Capitol, the biggest micro-aggression in history, the Department of Defense was so triggered that it held a nationwide “extremism stand down” this spring.
Yeah, you heard me—a panty raid. We’re just lucky no one encountered Nancy Pelosi’s actual panties, people could have been seriously traumatized.
It was all fun and games until a (black) Capitol Keystone Cop killed an unarmed (white) protester. (When you’re on Pelosi’s payroll, they let you do it.)
China is about to invade Taiwan, a Russian invasion of Ukraine is imminent, millions are preparing to flood the southern border, child traffickers are running wild, teenagers are being targeted and driven insane by genderterrorists, and violent BLM anarchists are reducing cities and Foot Lockers to ashes. But forget all that!
Instead, our Department of Indefensible is using its full force to confront the “gravest danger” facing our nation:
Our own soldiers.
I warned you to get out before Biden won.
Inside the Military’s Extremism Standdown
Deep within that massive cement polygon riddled with Trump haters, Raytheon shareholders, Mullah suckups, and pathetic American apologists of every creed, the brass knuckleheads in charge decided to force everyone below them to undergo a full day of re-education this month.
Lucky for me, I had a man on the inside. My source, an officer and a real gentleman, originally joined for the usual reasons. Same reasons some of you joined: patriotic, wanted to serve his country, felt inspired.
The last few years under Obama, things went sideways. In 2016, his superior officer told him that when he got out of the service he wanted to start a fertility clinic, one “that won’t do white babies. I want to breed out white people because they cause all the trouble. I won’t let two white parents have an all-white baby.” This was said on a base by someone in uniform. Other people who heard just nodded and smiled awkwardly.
During the stand down, my source and the rest of his division were shown a PowerPoint presentation that included a list of extremist “Risk Factors.”
Here is the list, exactly as it appeared in the presentation:
Risk Factors:
- Formed by an ideology.
- Failure to affiliate with other groups.
- Dependencies on the virtual community.
- Thwarting of occupations or educational goals.
- Failure of sexually intimate pair-bonding.
- Changes in thinking and emotions.
- Mental disorder.
- Creativity and innovation.
- History of violence and criminality.
Tag yourself. Are you creative and innovative? Yikes! Were you formed by an ideology, like American exceptionalism or Christianity? Uh oh! (Do ideologies like BLM or Marxism or Antifa count?) Are you dependent on “the virtual community”? I feel seen!
In fact, there are probably millions of people wondering: am I an extremist? A domestic terrorist, perhaps?
Let’s face it: if you’re reading this, you probably are.
Don’t believe me? Check to see if you fit the 2021 profile for domestic extremism by answering these simple questions:
- Do you stand for the national anthem, even though you know you should kneel?
- Without evidence, do you falsely insist there are only two genders?
- Do you wrongly think pregnant women should not serve in combat?
- Do you insist that not all cops are bastards, or do you even secretly think there should be more police?
- Do you feel shame and discomfort when judging someone solely by the color of their skin?
- Did you think Hamilton sucked?*
If you answered YES to these questions before 2020, you were a normal healthy American.
If you answered YES to these questions today, well, I hope you like prison food!
During the all-day stand down, my source reported that the moderator kept saying “this is not based on one event, like the attack on the Capitol” over and over. Except they never once brought up any other “attacks” by “domestic terrorists.” They couldn’t come up with a single other recent example.
Before the small group discussions, they were shown a slide that reassured them that “nothing said here can be reported.” But then someone higher up, described as a “double-masker,” blurted out the truth. “Part of the process of these small group discussions is to see if anyone says anything crazy.”
To help you know exactly who to rat out, they offered some hilarious hypothetical scenarios. One scenario featured “a guy who reads white supremacist websites, owns guns, researches how to make bombs, takes steroids, has a kill list, and takes firearm training.” I think we can safely say that this hypothetical man may be an extremist, sure, but he’s definitely not an incel. With hobbies like that, he’s probably up to his elbows in hypothetical sexually intimate pair-bonding.
War on Terror 2: This Joke’s On You.
Imagine going to work surrounded not by allies and compatriots, but by enemies looking for people just like you to destroy. All—one hundred percent—of my pal’s higher-ups are outspoken liberals. Imagine knowing that as you toil in service for your country, a stray word or inadvertent “like” on a Facebook post could send you straight to a court-martial.
My friend owns a gun or two, didn’t vote for the current commander-in-chief, and thinks there are just two genders. What happens if the DoD’s network of informants finds out?
“It’s absurd,” my source told me. “It’s offensive. We are good people who took an oath to serve our country and we’re being subjected to this nonsense. Am I the suspect here, because I’m the white male?”
I hate to break it to you, but yes, you are. My friend tells me his current service obligation is over in a few months, and he plans to get out and not look back.
In other words, the extremist stand down is working. It is working perfectly. It is driving competent, patriotic men out of the armed forces right when we need them the most. This is by design.
Ask yourself: why would the Democrats want to purge the military of, let’s face it, the sons and daughters of Deplorables in favor of a weaker, more obedient army of enthusiastic informers who can’t wait to exceed their quota of captured “extremists”?
Ask yourself this question as you lie in bed at night, and prepare accordingly.
*(Admission: I never saw Hamilton, or ever heard a single note, but it still quite obviously sucks.)
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