Biden EO to Limit 19th Amendment to Hotties with Nice-Smelling Hair
From the Wildly Inaccurate Dianny News Service: In a Rose Garden event yesterday, President Biden announced a series of Executive Orders designed to limit the application of the 19th Amendment to, in the President’s words, “Hotties. Hotties with nice-smelling hair.”
Flanked by members of the Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders, Biden explained that, despite what critics might say, his “No Hefties Only Hotties” executive order is not in any way a violation of the 19th Amendment.
“No amendment to the Constitution is absolute,” President Biden said. “You can’t yell ‘fire’ in a crowded movie theater. In the very beginning of the country, no women were allowed to vote at all – not even for ‘Dancing with the Stars.’ I remember one time Jill texted in seventy-six votes for Kristi Yamaguchi. Boy, I’ll tell ya. She’s a little Asian ball of fire, isn’t she? And I told Jill, ‘you know, Jill. If this were the time of the founding, you couldn’t vote once for Kristi Yamaguchi, let alone seventy-six times.’”
President Biden cited statistics that show obesity is the leading comorbidity in COVID-19 deaths.
“We’re facing a dark time in this pandemic. And there are too many fatties out there, folks,” he explained. “Too many fatties.”
To combat COVID deaths due to obesity, the Biden Administration hopes temporarily withholding the 19th Amendment right to vote will encourage women with high BMI to drop the weight.
“Look, I need you. I need you to drop some weight,” President Biden explained. “I’m giving you straight talk here, gals. No malarkey. Obesity is a killer. It’s a killer. Just look at these gorgeous girls behind me. Don’t tell Jill, but I personally sniffed each and every one of them. And let me tell you, they smell fruity. Like a sexy pack of Juicy Fruit gum with legs. I remember when I was a kid growing up in Scranton, I can’t count the number of times I bought a pack of Juicy Fruit just to smell it. It’s that nice a smell. But look at these girls, you chubby gals. There’s nothing stopping you from looking as hot as they do. Nothing. Nothing is stopping you.
“But COVID-19 can stop you. It’s a killer. A killer. Folks, fat people are having a heck of a time with COVID. Just a heck of a time.
“And this executive order? It doesn’t violate the 19th Amendment. That’s just malarkey, folks. We have a pandemic. It’s a health … a public health emergency, obesity. Look folks. A hundred years ago when the 17th Amendment . . . um . . . that voting thing was ratified, those gals from Suffragette City — like Bea Susan Anthony and Cherry Catman … Cherry Chatman … Carrie Catman Chap .. Chap — you know, that one from the place — they were skinny, not fat!”
Citing CDC data on obesity-related illnesses, the President made his case for using limits on the 19th Amendment to get women to shape up.
“The CCD data is clear, folks. It’s clear,” Biden continued. “Obesity is a public health emergency. That’s not me saying it. That’s the CCD. The CCD! As a nation, we can’t afford to do nothing. We must act. And if the ‘No Hefties Only Hotties’ Order encourages just one obese woman to slim down — to look like one of these cheerleaders — then it is worth it. I mean, come on, girls. It’s worth it.”
Voting Rights Advocate Stacey Abrams, one of President Biden’s staunchest allies, is outraged over limiting the 19th Amendment based on weight and hair scent.
In a hastily arranged press conference in Atlanta, Abrams, flanked by a dozen morbidly obese women was apoplectic with rage.
“This is Jim Crow on a diet!” Abrams shouted. “It’s Keto Crow!”
Abrams vowed to take the Biden Administration to court for what she calls “a clear violation of the 19th Amendment.”
When reached for comment on Abrams’ threat to sue, White House Press Secretary Jen Psaki said:
“The President’s order does not prohibit any woman from voting. You are all welcome to vote provided you drop the weight. When the 19th Amendment was ratified over one hundred years ago, obesity was not a major public health crisis. This is a different time. We are in a pandemic – a pandemic, mind you, that turns deadly for those who are obese. It’s responsible governance to encourage healthy eating – especially in a time when so many people weigh more than a mid-sized sedan. And really? The 19th Amendment does not give women the right to Hostess cupcakes.”
In an outraged Instagram post, actress Lena Dunham railed against what she called “Biden’s rank misogyny.”
Dunham, who just launched a Plus Size clothing line, accused the President of being anti-business as well as anti-woman.
“Women: This is a call to arms – flabby arms!” The plus-sized former HBO star wrote. “Get fat for the Midterms! Really pack on the pounds. We have from now until November 2022 to blow up like a Zeppelin. Let’s force this misogynist-in-chief to drag us away kicking and screaming from the polls! #CallToFlabbyArms #BodyPositivity”
Massachusetts Congresswoman Ayanna Pressley was likewise enraged.
“This executive order is not only Fat Phobia, it is Bald Phobia as well. I don’t have nice smelling hair, Mr. President. I don’t have hair at all. To restrict my 19th Amendment rights over a condition that I cannot control is violence. I urge all women to shave their heads and mail their hair to the White House. Take to the streets!”
Not everyone has voiced opposition to Biden’s “No Hefties Only Hotties” order. Former President Bill Clinton and Governor Andrew Cuomo of New York both released statements supporting the move. Clinton’s statement closed, “And send those cheerleaders my way, Joe!”
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