Malfunction in Animatronic Biden Delays SOTU
There has been much speculation as to why President Joe Biden has yet to deliver his State of the Union Address to a joint session of Congress. After much investigation, the Wildly Inaccurate Dianny News Service can reveal the reason behind the delay.
For the last several weeks, experts in artificial intelligence at Acme University have been developing an Animatronic Biden.
Unlike the real President Biden, Animatronic Biden was designed to remain upright for ninety minutes and speak in coherent sentences. And since Animatronic Biden has no need for sleep, addressing a joint session of Congress after President Biden’s bedtime would not be a problem.
However, the Wildly Inaccurate Dianny News Service has learned that the team of scientists and programmers developing Animatronic Biden have encountered a series of problems that have resulted in a delay of the upcoming State of the Union Address.
A source within the team explained the cascading problems that resulted in the Animatronic Biden experiencing a full-system malfunction.
“The physical functions were working great,” our source told us. “Sure, Animatronic Joe does tend to shuffle instead of walk, but given the President’s physical capabilities, that’s not a problem. However, the unit’s ‘brain’ suffered a series of glitches that caused a systemwide, catastrophic malfunction, and now the damn thing doesn’t work at all.”
According to our source, the glitches occurred simultaneously once the unit’s “brain” was brought online.
“We’re talking sparks, electrical fires, smoke – it was a disaster!”
When asked if the cause of the malfunction was currently known, our source rolled his eyes and tapped his head.
“Oh, sure. We know,” he explained. “The cognitive data uploaded into the Animatronic Biden unit came directly from President Biden’s own engrams. We believed it was possible to filter out the President’s cognitive decline and maintain the useful data. We were wrong. I mean, really wrong. The President’s engrams are 99% soup. And trying to extract the 1% that was still viable was like looking for a needle in a haystack.”
At this stage, the fate of the Animatronic Biden is not known.
“No way in hell it’ll be ready to give a State of the Union Address this year,” our source told us. “At this point, we don’t know if it’s salvageable at all. The fact is, the technology and science to create a clear-thinking version of Joe Biden simply doesn’t exist right now. And by the time it does, his grandson might be President.”
In an effort to hide the development and subsequent malfunction of Animatronic Biden from the American public, Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi, along with members of the FBI and Department of Homeland Security are claiming the delay in the SOTU is due to a “threat” from so-called “insurrectionists” targeting the President’s address.
“Yeah, that’s BS,” our source scoffed. “The only threat is that when Animatronic Biden attempts to formulate a coherent sentence, it will spontaneously combust and burn the whole damn Capitol to the ground.”
To date, the AI Presidential Stand-In project has already cost taxpayers two hundred million dollars.
When asked how this enormous expenditure could possibly be hidden from voters, our source explained, “It’s hidden in the COVID relief bill. There’s a $276M line-item for something called ‘Aging and Disability Services.’ That’s actually us. We’re the ‘aging and disability services.’ Though the only aging, disabled person who benefits is President Biden.”
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The Wildly Inaccurate Dianny News Service: Wildly Inaccurate, but not CNN inaccurate.TM
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