Study Finds Moving Up Election Day Would Instantly End Pandemic

Babylon Bee🐝

U.S.—As promises and rumors of a coming vaccine for COVID-19 continue to swirl, health experts across the country are recommending an additional action they believe will provide an end to the virus’s grip on the nation. Leading doctors suggest moving the presidential election to an earlier date.

“It's evident from our studies that this virus has an expiration date: November 3," said one epidemiologist. "If we move the election day up, this whole thing will instantly go away."

For months, Americans have assumed the lack of a vaccine was the only thing holding the nation back from opening up, but an analysis of the data by researchers confirms the only real threat is candidates using scare tactics to make things seem worse than they really are.

“Believe me,” the doctor said. “Nobody likes pandemics more than we do, but even we’re ready to move on from this one. Let’s just get the vote over with and move on.”

The CDC cautioned that the doctors' advice won't necessarily work, as they’ve got a few more pandemics in the hopper to ensure they keep their funding.