Democrats Growing Increasingly Worried Biden Will Live Through Election Day

Babylon Bee🐝

U.S.—Democrats around the nation are growing increasingly worried that their candidate for President, Joe Biden, will live through election day, November 3rd, 2020. Biden had surprised Democrats around the nation when he spoke for an extended period of time off a teleprompter at the Democratic National Convention, causing a bit of a panic among Democratic Party operatives and voters. 

This concern comes at a time when national polling among likely voters shows the race tightening between Biden and Trump, after weeks of Biden holding on to a commanding lead.

“That was the most life we’ve seen in him for a long time,” said DNC spokesperson Michael Tyler. 

“We all went back to the drawing board to plan a strategy that includes the possibility that Joe might actually be President if he wins on election day and goes on to live for another year or two or four,” he added.

“We nominated him because he is the most inoffensive candidate we could find--and believe me we looked high and low,” said Democratic National Committee Chairman Tom Perez. 

“Biden is a great pick for us because he reassures middle America that he isn’t a total left-wing nutjob, while at the same time, he speaks to all the left-wing nutjobs that he won’t be around for very long. If he throws a wrench in that by looking vibrant, coherent, and less than senile, I’m not sure how we are going to capture the progressive vote we alienated before in 2016.”

At publishing time, the DNC was throwing the idea around that maybe they should be airing ads that make Biden look a little more on the verge of dying to reassure progressives.