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Democratic Convention Viewer Wishing They Would Just Get To The Part About All The Free Stuff

August 19, 2020 , , , , ,


ST LOUIS, MO—Loyal Democrat voter Tim Raisinbran is expressing disappointment after he watched the Democratic National Convention for hours and barely heard anything about all the free stuff he's going to get from Democrats.

"I sat through 2 hours of lame Zoom calls for this?" Mr. Raisinbran cried as Billy Porter sang and danced on his TV screen. "It was just a bunch of boring speeches about 'unity' and 'being better' and stuff. Lame! When are they going to start talking about all the free stuff I'm gonna get if I vote for Biden? I just want everything to be free forever! Is that too much to ask? Trump literally transferred free money to my checking account. How are the Democrats going to top that?"

Raisinbran then yelled and threw his bowl of Cheerios at the screen in anger.

Raisinbran's suburban house-girlfriend Katie Doobles feels differently. Michelle Obama's uplifting message that "everything is guaranteed to get way worse if we don't vote for Biden" resonated with her, according to sources.

Experts say Katie is not alone. According to one recent poll, most suburban house-girlfriends and house-fiancés are resonating with the Democrats' central 2020 message that they will continue to burn down the country unless America votes for them.

"Whatever will make it all stop," said Doobles in an interview. "Some free stuff thrown in would be ok too."



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