The Long-Suffering Mother America Never Asked For

CNN on-air personality S.E. Cupp fancies herself the Mother of us all. 
Is it too late to put ourselves up for adoption?

Patriot Retort

I gotta say, I absolutely loathe when people play the Maternal card when it comes to the country.  Michelle Obama was famous for that.  Michelle saw herself as the self-described long-suffering mother of the American people — which probably explains why she obsessed over our meals.

Now, we didn’t ask Michelle to be our mother.  But Michelle didn’t let that stop her from taking on the role.

In fact, after Trump won in 2016, Michelle bemoaned the fact that America tossed aside the “good” parents in exchange for a “bad” parent.  Mommy Michelle was mighty peeved over it.

There’s something tremendously condescending about thinking the American people are nothing but wayward children in need of a firm hand. It also flies in the face of our founding principles of Individual Liberty and Sovereignty.

Then again, Mommy Michelle never let our founding principles get in the way of her mission to fundamentally transform us into her unwilling brood.

But Mom-Bama better watch her back; there’s a new self-described long-suffering mother America never asked for: CNN on-air personality S.E. Cupp.

To honor Independence Day, America’s newest long-suffering mother penned a scolding (but loving!) missive to her rebellious little scamps that is loaded with treacly drivel and condescension so thick, you could cut it with a knife – that is if Mommy Cupp thinks you can be trusted to hold a knife.

America, a tough-love letter:

I love you like a child. Unconditionally, and with all the hope and optimism I can fathom.

Already I’m reaching for an airsick bag.

I’m not angry at you, I’m disappointed, which is way worse.

We’ve disappointed the mother we never asked for!  I’m hanging my head in shame.

Okay, no.  I’m hanging my head so S.E. can’t see me laughing myself silly.

You’ve let us down, and no amount of time outs or groundings have worked.

So the Wuhan lockdowns were time-outs and groundings?

What in Lucifer’s reach is this idiot talking about?

You need tough love now. We gave you time to think about what you’ve done, to muster your greatness and become the America we know you can be.

Who’s this “We?”  Does our long-suffering mother have a husband?  And who, pray tell, is our father?  Don’t leave us hanging here, Mommy.  We have a right to know.  Is it Darth Vader?  Tell me it isn’t Darth Vader!

So many times, you’ve risen to the occasion, but recently you’ve also let so many of your friends down, just because they seem different from your other friends.

What now?  What the hell is Mommy Cupp talking about?!

America, my child…

Yeah, we’re not your child, you sanctimonious fishwife.

America, my child, let’s discover again the thing that made you great. Inclusion, refuge, uplift, a dream…

“Uplift?”

We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men must uplift.

Actually, Mommy. The thing that makes America great is Liberty. Honestly, it’s as if Mommy doesn’t know us at all.

With all the run-ons and incomplete sentences in this “tough-love letter,” America should be grateful that this long-suffering mother we never asked for didn’t homeschool us.

I believe in you, despite your flaws, like a mother would. Now make me proud, like only a child can.

Can you believe this tripe? Is it too late to put ourselves up for adoption?

S.E. tweeted this out with a little USA flag emoji.

Because nothing says “I’m patriotic” quite like “scolding” her recalcitrant countrymen.

Say, remember when S.E. Cupp was a “conservative?”

I honestly didn’t think it was possible for someone to out-cringe Michelle Obama.

Boy, was I wrong.