New, Less Problematic History Books...

New, Less Problematic History Books Will Only Include 

What Happened In The Current Year

June 24th, 2020

U.S.—Statues are being pushed down and syrup logos are being changed, but it's not enough to end racism forever. So that no one has to learn about what happened in our past, ensuring that no one will repeat those mistakes, new history books being printed this year will just include what happened in the current year.

Every year, the books will be burned and replaced with fresh books, only containing all the virtuous deeds enlightened humanity has done so far in the current year. They will also be only a few pages long, making sure today's students with short attention spans can consume all their content over the course of a semester.

"Since we are always most moral in the current year, we can destroy everything else and get rid of all the ugliness," said one of the new textbook's editors. "This way we know students are always reading about the most morally upstanding people in history: us."

"In order to help get rid of racism and hatred, every record of racism has been destroyed, every history book has been rewritten, every date has been altered."

The writers of the new textbook assured everyone that their brave anti-racist act of destroying history wouldn't stop with this edition, though. "We're not finished. We want everyone to know that this process is continuing day by day and minute by minute. All history has stopped."

"Nothing exists except in an endless present in which we are always right."