Hasbro Launches Line Of Trap-Building Kits To Encourage Girls To Get Into Post-Apocalyptic Survivalism

the ONION

PAWTUCKET, RI—Seeking to challenge the perception that preparing devices to fend off roving marauders is exclusively for boys, Hasbro debuted a new line of weaponized trap-building kits this week to encourage more girls to become involved in the field of post-apocalyptic survivalism. “We found that the average 10-year-old girl is 70% less likely than her male counterpart to be interested in protecting a makeshift scavenger den against the mutants, deviants, and roving marauders who crawled forth from the wreckage of society as compared to their male peers, so we knew we had to do something,” said Hasbro CEO Brian Goldner, who demonstrated prototypes of his company’s “Little Miss Prepared Track ‘n’ Trap” kits, demure brushed-steel suitcases trimmed with rose gold and equipped with survival gear including lengths of pink rope, small floral-accented commando shovels for digging beginner-sized tiger pits, and razor wire looped into heart-shaped deployment reels. “Primary school-age girls tend to fall behind on important skills that will prove vital in our inevitable post-society future, such as knotwork, sharpshooting, and demolitions expertise, and our kits give them the chance to get the same hands-on experience as boys. There’s even an optional pink plastic survival knife that can be used to pretend to whittle wooden stakes and spears, so girls as young as four can develop intimidation soft skills even when they’re not actively assembling a trap. We at Hasbro believe that girls are just as able to subsist in The Burned Land as boys.” Hasbro plans to eventually expand the line to include food canning kits, an E-Z Fry fingerprint-burning chemistry set, and a picture book titled The Princesses’ Guide To Burying Gold Bullion.