Pope Announces

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Pope Announces 

Any Time Spent Watching 'The View' Counts As Time Served In Purgatory

October 16th, 2019

VATICAN CITY—Pope Francis has made one of his official, Popey announcements. (For our Protestant audience, a declaration from the pope is kinda like when Russell Moore tweets something; it carries a lot of weight for Catholics.)

Anyway, the pope declared that any time you've spent watching The View in this life will count as time served in purgatory.

"Frankly, if you watch those women bickering, that's punishment enough," said Pope Francis in a speech. He declared that your time will be tallied up by the angels, who will then mark that off as though you'd spent the time in purgatory.

The pope said the exchange rate for time is about 1 hour of The View for a "good six months" of purification in purgatory.

"Exchange rates fluctuate, of course, and it depends on the episode," he remarked. "An episode with Alyssa Milano or Chelsea Clinton is obviously worth a lot more than a regular episode."

The show's ratings saw a small bump after the announcement but ticked back down when Catholics realized they'd rather just spend time in purgatory.