SAINT PAUL, MN — Facing new allegations of inappropriate ties to the Chinese Communist Party in the middle of the home stretch of the presidential election, Minnesota Governor Tim Walz offered a swift and stern rebuttal in perfect Mandarin Chinese.
Members of Congress have sounded the alarm over Walz's history with China, launching an investigation to determine if any laws were broken. Walz has maintained a staunch position that he is guilty of no wrongdoing.
"共产主义是最好的! 好好好!" a defiant Walz told reporters on the campaign trail when asked to comment on his alleged ties to China. "And I mean that. There is absolutely no truth to any of these scurrilous accusations. These Republicans will apparently stop at nothing to try to connect me to the great and powerful Chinese Communist Party, which is led by the honorable and wise President Xi Jinping."
Walz said that any and all dealings he has had with China over the years were entirely legal. "It's a bunch of ridiculous lies," he said. "Just because I've taken multiple trips to China, stayed at the presidential mansion, and went on a couple of spa dates with Xi, everyone thinks I'm some type of undercover Chinese asset. Well, to that, all I have to say is, ‘伟大的中国共产党万岁, 统治世界!'"
At publishing time, the Minnesota governor headed off to prepare for his upcoming vice presidential debate with J.D. Vance and denied rumors that he answered to the nickname "The Great Walz of China" in the corridors of the Minnesota State Capitol.