OTTAWA—Prime Minister Justin Trudeau addressed the nation on Tuesday to announce the mobilization of the Canadian Armed Forces against Poland, which he intends to invade and annex as part of the Canadian Empire.
"Oppressing our truckers has given me an insatiable taste for power," said Trudeau. "So I'm directing our generals to strike Poland since it worked out so well for Germany."
The foreign office has confirmed troops are already assembling at the Polish/Ukrainian border in preparation for a land invasion. Putin has reportedly become spooked by Trudeau's sudden imperialist agenda and has ordered Russian troops to retreat.
According to sources, Putin held a virtual meeting with President Biden to discuss Trudeau's recent actions.
"Trudeau is a dictator," Putin allegedly told Biden. "Kind of makes me feel bad about the whole Ukraine thing, so I've decided to drop it."
Canadian troops are reportedly being equipped with rations of maple syrup and hockey sticks since Trudeau doesn't believe in guns or real food.
At publishing time, President Biden was happy to announce that he had single-handedly resolved the Ukrainian crisis as Canada annexed Poland.