First off, congratulations on raising a child already versed in progressive ideals! Your Christmas holiday is sure to be filled with joy, laughter, fear of using incorrect pronouns, and vegan egg nog.
If you’re having trouble finding that perfect Christmas present for your liberal child due to their inconsistent morality, hypocritical life choices, or gender confusion, then let us help you with this handy list of gifts they’re sure to not cancel you for:
1) Brand new gender: New genders are so hot right now. We would urge you to grab one before they run out, but honestly, there will always be more genders.
2) Allowance increase followed by tax increase: This valuable life lesson will impart to your youngling the wisdom found in pretending to give while actually taking.
3) Battery-powered police car to flip over and set on fire: Progressive children love acting out violently in the name love. This flammable gift is perfect if your child was too young to burn actual police cars back in 2020.
4) Crowbar and a ride to Nordstrom: Unique experiences are the most precious gifts you can give your child. This gift offers a hands-on understanding of where progressive policies have led.
5) Playskool Dr. Fauci Shrine™: Turn your child’s dresser into a sanctuary of reverence toward the benevolent Dr. Fauci. These are flying off the shelves, so grab one quick!
6) Twitter account: Hey, your kid is never too young to learn the ins and outs of Twitter, including public shaming, cyberbullying, destroying careers, and contributing to a giant cancerous tumor of hate.
7) Vaccinate Me Elmo™ doll: Have you seen the commercial for this toy? What a great commercial.
8) Coal: This will prevent conservatives from burning it in power plants and destroying the planet!
9) Chairman Mao pop-up book: Let your child’s imagination be filled with stories of the beloved revolutionary who called for equality and fairness for everyone besides the 80 million who died under his rule. (Avoid Tuttle Twins books at all costs)
10) A whuppin’: Let’s be honest here.