WASHINGTON, D.C.—According to sources at the National Archives, doctors rushed the United States Constitution to the hospital and were forced to hook the document up to a ventilator after it began having trouble breathing Sunday afternoon.
The document reportedly slipped into a coma en route to the emergency room and was in critical condition for many hours. Doctors confirmed the worst: the founding document of our nation was infected with the novel coronavirus. Finally, surrounded by one or two mourners, as most people in Washington abandoned it a long time ago, it slipped away Sunday night.
"Between both political parties constantly trampling all over the Bill of Rights and stretching and distorting the Constitution for political gain whenever it's convenient, I just don't know how much more abuse it could have taken," said one doctor as he pronounced the Constitution's time of death: 20:20, ironically.
The 232-year-old Constitution has had its share of health scares, nearly being killed in the 1860s, the 1930s and 40s, and the early 2000s, but medical experts say this last crisis was just more than it could take.
"It had many underlying conditions, of course, already being incredibly sick with Obamacare, Obergefell, Roe v Wade, the Patriot Act, and many more diseases," said the doctor. "But it's still sad to see this old boy pass on."
The Constitution's close relatives, including the Declaration of Independence, simply asked for Americans to send "thoughts and prayers" during this time of mourning.