This Saturday, mutants from coast to coast will assemble outside the basements and Pokémon clubs for the first time…since the last time this coalition of unlovable virgins and elderly, unliked parents gathered together to fool themselves into thinking they might not die alone and be eaten by a pet or a swarm of rats living under the hoarded mementos they haven’t been able to throw out since they peaked in high school. If that sound cruel, good. These people have wasted more Saturdays this year than they’ve had visit from family or friends in the last ten. But they’re getting the band back together this Saturday to “protest” the existence of Donald Trump and, by extension, you.
While it’s tempting to roll past them and offer the one-finger salute – that’s what I’ve done in the past, right out the sun roof – I thought I’d offer some advice for anyone looking to do a little bit more than telling these little fascists where they could go and what they should do with themselves once they get there.
First off, if you can’t attend under cover, go to the intersections you know they will be the night before and post signs about how they’re idiots – get creative. If you can swing it, go with a friend and a ladder to post the signs as high as you can. These people are spoiled liberals, so they likely won’t know how to use a ladder, let alone have one handy. Some “These people are morons” signs on the light poles as these weirdos chant whatever it is they chant.
If you can’t get a ladder or post them high, cover them with something wildly sticky – pine tar or whatever – so when they rip them down, and they will do it without thinking, it will be near-impossible for them to get the stick off their hands.
When I was young and doing campaign work, I remember the lawn signs would disappear all the time when we placed them in public areas that allowed them. We started putting long staples, the kind you could shoot out of staple guns, all around the out-edge of the signs so whoever came running up to grab it and jet off into the night would regret it. The signs stopped disappearing short after that started.
I’m not suggesting that, but tell you to illustrate just how some innovation can make anyone engaging in some political destruction can be taught a lesson that they won’t soon forget. A half-day of annoyingly sticky hands will be something that, um, sticks in their heads. I’ll show myself out…
However, if you want to attend, I don’t suggest you do so as a counter-protester just there to yell at those morons. You can, of course, if you want – it’s your life – but I think it’d be better if you went under cover.
Wear some dirty clothes and record everything you see and hear. If you can wear a camera, great, but if you can’t wear one, you should still record everything you can (as long as it’s legal in your state). These people are insane and will say incredibly stupid and offensive things – they may even make threats. They will chant stupid things, they will waive dumb signs, they may even make threats or all for the deaths of politicians. Don’t confront them, you’ll be outnumbered, but document it and get it to a conservative media outlet.
I would suggest you leave your name out of it, there’s no money to be made off it anyway, so there is no tracking you down for retribution. But even if you aren’t going to go, post on social media that you and some friends are and that you’ll be wearing cameras to document it. Don’t say where or to which one, just that you’re part of a larger group going in your state. If enough people do this, the paranoia of “infiltration” will ripple through these hippie retreads and haunt them.
Everyone they don’t know or recognize will be a spy, making the whole thing feel like East Germany in the 1970s – just like these people would love to do to the country as a whole. Imagine these dopes paranoid that everyone else was some member of the “right-wing media.”
Then sleep in Saturday as these weirdos see their actions derailed by people who have better things to do. Good times for all.