Pam Bondi Confirms Ark Of The Covenant Sitting On Her Desk Waiting To Be Reviewed
WASHINGTON, D.C. — As the world waited with bated breath to learn about the contents of the ancient biblical artifact, U.S. Attorney General Pam Pondi made an official statement confirming that the Ark of the Covenant was sitting on her desk waiting to be reviewed.
Though the public was eager for the secrets of the Israelite relic to be revealed, Bondi urged patience as the federal government took its time to investigate the Ark and follow a methodical process before releasing its findings.
"I can assure the American people that we've got top men working on it right now," Bondi said in one of the several Fox News interviews she gives each day. "Top. Men. I understand that everyone wants to know what is inside the Ark of the Covenant, and I do as well. Unfortunately, there is a process to follow here. I can tell you that the Ark is currently sitting on my desk waiting for me to review it."
When questioned about the timeline for more information to come out, Bondi was noncommittal. "These things take time," she said. "There are a lot of factors at play. We've got to determine how revealing the Ark's contents could pose a risk to national security. We've got to hear from all of the most powerful people in the world who control everything behind the scenes. We've got to have those people threaten us and our families if we release the information. And then we have to go about destroying all of the evidence and pretending we never said we had the Ark in the first place. So, I ask the public to please bear with us."
At publishing time, the DOJ and FBI released a joint statement that there was no Ark of the Covenant, Bondi had never been in possession of it, there was nothing inside of it, and several DOJ staffers had certainly not had their faces melted off by looking into it.