MILWAUKEE, WI — After a man in the crowd at a Wisconsin rally proclaimed "Jesus is Lord," the audience watched in shock as Vice President Kamala Harris suddenly began melting on stage.
"No, not that name! Anything but that name!" cried Harris, her legs beginning to give way. "Curse you! Look what you've done!"
Several members of the audience began hissing and screaming as security rushed to remove the man. "How dare you say the name of Jesus! Boo!" cried the Democrats. "You're not welcome here! Out, out!"
Sadly, the damage was already done as Vice President Harris steadily melted. "This was a security failure of the highest order," said aide Denise Thompson. "It is simply unconscionable that a man who believes Jesus is Lord was allowed to get so close to the Vice President. This sort of thing should never happen."
At publishing time, the Democrats had reportedly replaced Harris with an actual witch, who immediately got a substantial bump in the polls.